I’m not a real doctor, but I play one on TV

The New York Mets say Jose Reyes has an overactive thyroid, but the shortstop isn’t buying it.

The team said on Tuesday that Reyes is expected to remain in New York while the results of additional blood tests are used to determine his treatment after tests confirmed he has an overactive thyroid.

But Reyes told ESPNDeportes.com’s Enrique Rojas later Tuesday: “The specialists who took care of me in New York have told me that I’m fine and that there’s nothing wrong with my thyroid. The test [taken to follow one conducted during his physical] showed that I’m fine. We just have to wait for the results of the additional test. The [doctors] found inflammation in my throat and no medicine to treat the thyroid or any other condition has been prescribed.”

Is anyone really surprised by this?  I’d definitely question the diagnosis if my team doctor was Nick Riviera.

 

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Mr. Wilpon, tear down this wall!

 

Broadcaster Gary Cohen may be able to proclaim, “It’s outta here!” a little more often in 2010. And David Wright may not be as inclined to frustratingly fling his Great Gazoo helmet, or whatever protective wear he uses, during the upcoming season.

The height of Citi Field’s center-field wall will be sliced in half, making the ballpark more homer-friendly, the Daily News has learned.

Last season, the wall measured 16 feet in front of the sparsely used Home Run Apple. Now, with the second level of padding being removed, it will measure eight feet in the middle of the outfield.

Still, as the Daily News exclusively reported in September, the stadium’s spacious dimensions won’t be altered.

Most teams spend the offseason improving their rosters.  The Mets spend their offseason lowering outfield walls so the same shitty players from last season can muster a few more homers this year.

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My last post as a Mets fan

Fred Wilpon celebrates a Mets touchdown.

With Ben Sheets joining the ranks of free agents to spurn the Mets this offseason, Omar Minaya has taken a lot of heat, and deservedly so.   He’s a fucking moron, and he’s the only GM in the history of the sport to turn a 120 million dollar payroll into a heaping pile of dog shit.  Actually, scratch that, I’m pretty sure Steve Phillips accomplished a similar feat, which brings me to my point.  While no one can deny that the front office is completely inept, the Mets have a much bigger problem.  Ownership, namely Fred and Jeff Wilpon, has spent the past 8 years driving this franchise into the ground after buying out Nelson Doubleday’s stake in the team in 2002.  Since then, the Wilpons’ incompetence has trickled down throughout the organization, infecting the management and staff with some mutant retard super bug.  Lets take a look at some of the more notable debacles perpetrated by these two clowns.

-After firing Steve Phillips in 2003, the Wilpons allowed then INTERIM general manager Jim Duquette to trade away Scott Kazmir, one of the nation’s top prospects, for Victor Zambrano.  The first of many warning signs that the Wilpons were asleep at the wheel.

-That same year, Fred Wilpon took it upon himself to negotiate with free agent Tom Glavine, and gave him a 40 million dollar contract after the former Braves pitcher had the worst year of his career.  I guess the scouting department (AKA Jeff Wilpon) was on vacation that day.

-In 2005, Fred Wilpon hired former Montreal Expos general manager Omar Minaya.  Because that franchise had so much success.

-Jeff Wilpon played a large role in designing Citi Field in 2008, the Mets new stadium that honored the Brooklyn fucking Dodgers and made David Wright, the face of the franchise, look like Endy Chavez.  Nepotism at it’s finest.

-In 2009, the Wilpons decided to give 700 million dollars to Bernie Madoff.  Had I known that they were throwing away money, I would have sold them my “Memory Foam Throne” toilet seat idea.

-Yesterday, it was revealed that the Met’s front office has been operating without a budget for the past several years.  Even Carrot Top has a yearly budget for his steroids and tanning salon visits.

The bottom line is that this franchise is doomed.  Mets fans can only hope the Wilpons continue on this path and eventually bankrupt themselves and sell the team.  But I for one am not going to wait around and hope for a day when I can wear a Mets hat with pride.  Ownership has put the last nail in the coffin, and my time as a fan of this team has finally come to an end.  At least I’ll never have to endure another merengue night again.

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You Can’t Make This Shit Up

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NEW YORK — The New York Mets are nearing agreement on a minor league contract with knuckleballer R.A. Dickey, a person familiar with the negotiations told The Associated Press.

Dickey, a 35-year-old right-hander, made 14 starts for Seattle in 2008 but was primarily a reliever for Minnesota last season, when he went 1-1 with a 4.62 ERA in one start and 34 relief appearances.

Pitching his entire career without the ulnar collateral ligament in his right elbow, Dickey is 22-28 with a 5.43 ERA in 48 starts and 96 relief appearances in seven big league seasons. Doctors think he either was born without the ligament or it dissolved after a tear.

Omar is also scouting first baseman J.R. Smallcock, who interestingly enough was born without arms.

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I Straight Up Hate Your Guts Omar Minaya

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NEW YORK — Hoping they found their setup man on the other side of the globe, the New York Mets agreed Thursday with Japanese reliever Ryota Igarashi on a $3 million, two-year contract.

The 30-year-old right-hander became the first major addition this offseason for the Mets following a 70-92 debacle that left them with a fourth-place finish in the NL East.

New York thinks Igarashi could fill the role of eighth-inning setup man for All-Star closer Francisco Rodriguez.

“We’ve had an interest in Ryota for two years,” general manager Omar Minaya said in a statement. “He’s got a power arm and an outstanding split-finger.”

Igarashi went 3-2 with a 3.19 ERA and three saves in 56 games last season in Japan. He struck out 44 and walked 20 in 53 2/3 innings.

Hideo Nomo.  Kazuo Matsui.  Takashi Kashiwada.  Masato Yoshii.  Tsuyoshi Shinjo.  Satoru Komiyama.  Kazuhisa Ishii.  Shingo Takatsu.  Ken Takahashi.  And now Ryota Igarashi is the latest Japanese player to join the ranks of this elite club.  I’m glad we’re learning from our mistakes as an organization.  Being a Mets fan is like watching retards fuck.  It’s a complete disaster, but I can’t look away.

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Fire Omar Minaya

Mets vs. Rockies

BREAKING NEWS: Omar Minaya is fucking useless.

In a day that saw the Boston Red Sox sign the best free agent pitcher on the market, and the division rival Philadelphia Phillies trade for one of the best pitchers in baseball, all was quiet in New York.  Maybe Omar was busy organizing this year’s annual merengue night at Citi.  Or perhaps he was compiling a list of potential candidates to replace recently departed Tony Bernazard as his BFF.  Whatever he was up to, it clearly had nothing to do with improving this team.  I’ve spent the better part of the past three years being a Mets apologist.  They had too many injuries last year to be successful.  Their bullpen let them down in 2008.  Their starting pitching cost them a division title in 2007.  But I’m done making excuses for a completely inept organization.  From the Wilpons all the way down to the scouting department, this franchise is a complete fucking joke.  They’ve spent the past decade embarrassing a fan base that was already the red headed step child of New York baseball.  I could literally go on for hours recounting every blunder that this franchise has subjected us to, but I don’t have the stomach for it.  I’ve already wasted enough time on a team that does just enough to fill the ballpark, but not enough to deliver it’s loyal fans a championship.  Firing Omar Minaya clearly won’t fix an organization that is riddled with incompetence at nearly every level.  I just think it’s time for the mastermind behind two September collapses and countless other squandered opportunities to finally be held accountable.

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Omar Actually Working?

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What would you say you do here?

INDIANAPOLIS — The New York Mets have emerged as another bidder on free-agent left-fielder Jason Bay, according to a source with direct knowledge of the Bay negotiations.

The Mets had been focused on pitching, but with the Los Angeles Angels indicating they had “more pressing needs” than pursuing a left-fielder, GM Omar Minaya has moved aggressively toward adding Bay.

So far, the only known offer made to Bay was the four-year, $60 million proposal he turned down from the Red Sox in midseason. Boston would like to re-sign Bay, but are also weighing Matt Holliday as an alternative.

At least Omar is working on something.  I’m surprised he even had time to go to the winter meetings with his busy schedule.  He generally arrives at Citi Field fifteen minutes late and uses the side gate- that way Wilpon can’t see him.  After that he just sorta spaces out for an hour.  He just kinda stares at his desk, but it looks like he’s working.  He does that for probably another hour after lunch too.  I’d say in a given week he probably only does about fifteen minutes of real, actual work. 

All joking aside, I’m a little concerned about giving Bay a big deal, especially since there have been rumors that the Red Sox brass is worried that he wouldn’t physically hold up through a multi-year contract.  Remember, this is the same guy who had two bum knees just a few years ago.

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Your Mother’s Hot Stove

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A marketing campaign built around Corey Hart's 80's hit "I Wear My Sunglasses At Night" would be very successful in the New York metropolitan area.

Today is the second day of MLB’s annual winter meetings in beautiful Indianapolis, Indiana.  Your Mother’s Mustache correspondent Willy Bang will be on the scene everyday to give us some of the highlights and drink all the free booze his press pass entitles him to.

-I got very excited when I heard that the Mets were working on a deal to trade John Maine for Corey Hart, until I found out that they were talking about the shitty Brewers outfielder and not the famous Canadian singer/songwriter. 

-In other Milwaukee news, the Brewers are preparing to offer Randy Wolf a 3 year, 28 million dollar contract.  Well done Doug Melvin.  That should make Brewers fans forget all about CC Sabathia.

-The Rays appear willing to swap one bum for another, which is always a good strategy..  According to reports, Tampa is interested in a deal that would send Pat Burrell to the Cubs for Milton Bradley, but only if Chicago includes cash to offset the difference in the contracts.  This has disaster written all over it.  Somehow I don’t see that fruitcake Joe Maddon being able to restrain Bradley the next time he tries to shank the first base ump over a blown call.

-Sources close to the proposed 3 team deal that would land Curtis Granderson in the Bronx believe that the sides are coming closer to an agreement.  If the proposed trade were to go through, the Yankees would receive Granderson, the Tigers would get Max Scherzer, Phil Coke and Austin Jackson, and the Diamondbacks would receive Edwin Jackson and Ian Kennedy.  I think this is a great deal for the Yanks, and I hope that it goes through so I don’t have to see Johnny Damon’s big dumb haircut on the back page of The Post ever again.

-The Angels are looking at Hideki Matsui as a backup plan in case they are unable to sign Jason Bay.  The last time I checked, Vlad Guerrero can’t play the field anymore, so I’m not sure what they’re going to do with another DH.  Then again, this is the franchise that gave Gary Matthews Jr. 60 million dollars.

-One last note on the Mets.  They’ve inquired about possible deals for Rangers pitcher Kevin Millwood and Cardinals super utility player Mark Derosa.  I’m not sure what this franchise’s fascination is with former Braves pitchers, but I think Derosa would be a great fit for this team.  He can play the corner outfield position and he is known for being a great clubhouse leader, which any Mets fan knows this team is seriously lacking.

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Your Mother’s Hot Stove

Andy-Pettitte--C10107150

Andy had his heart set on the laser background, but his wife put the kibosh on that.

Today is the first day of MLB’s annual winter meetings in beautiful Indianapolis, Indiana.  Your Mother’s Mustache correspondent Willy Bang will be on the scene everyday to give us some of the highlights and drink all the free booze his press pass entitles him to.

-Andy Pettitte has announced he will pitch one more year, and the Yankees are on the verge of giving him a contract believed to be 11 million or more for the 2010 season.

-The Rangers, in need of bullpen help, have spoken with former Phillie and current douchebag Brett Myers.  The Rangers make the most sense for Myers, as openly beating your wife or girlfriend in public is an accepted practice in Texas.

-The Cubs are wisely trying to pawn off clubhouse headache Milton Bradley on the Royals, who are so inept at evaluating talent that they just might go for it.

-Rumors have been swirling that the Cubs traded for overpaid and washed up Rays outfielder Pat Burrell, and then shipped him to the Mets.  That’s not a joke.

-Speaking of the Mets, apparently they have not learned their lesson when it comes to trading for crappy Nationals outfielders.  Josh Willingham is on Omar’s radar, which means our season is already over and it’s not even January.

-Brad Penny has an offer to join the Cardinals rotation next season.  If he’s smart he’ll accept it, become a contributing member of society under the tutelage of pitching coach Dave Duncan, and finally get Alyssa Milano back.

-The Angels are meeting with Jason Bay today, and are expected to make a major push for the free agent Canadian outfielder.  I’m sure Jason will be wearing his finest denim shirt to the meeting.

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If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em: Mets Hatch Merchandising Ponzi Scheme to Steal More of Your Hard Earned Money

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Yugoslavians are fanatical about their cars.

FLUSHING, N.Y. – The New York Mets today announced they will wear a new pinstripe home uniform next season inspired by the early years of the franchise. The design combines new and old elements of Mets uniforms. The Mets created the retro uniform following research and positive responses to the jerseys the 1969 World Champion Mets wore during their 40th anniversary celebration in August.

The new pinstripe jerseys will go on sale this Friday, November 27 at the Mets Team Store at Citi Field and will kick off the store’s special Thanksgiving Sale. The jersey will also be available the same day on Mets.com.

Don’t look now Mets fans, but it appears the Wilpons have the answer.  New uniforms!  Because even if you’re driving around an ‘83 Yugo, you can always get a new paint job.

 I understand this is being done to honor the ‘69 Mets, but maybe if we put a championship caliber team on the field we wouldn’t need to celebrate a World Series title from 40 years ago.  Bottom line, the Mets could give away free tickets for next season and I’d still sit here and slam them.  Enough of this bullshit.  Stop wasting time renaming luxury boxes, changing uniforms, and firing first base coaches.  Roy Halladayis available!  He told the Blue Jays he won’t re-sign with them!  Go get him!  The Marlins have told Josh Johnson they won’t meet his contract demands.  Go trade for him.  The Padres have made it clear that they need to cut salary.  Work on a deal for Gonzalez.  Whatever you do, don’t sit idly by while superstar players change teams and expect this fan base to endure another season of garbage.  After two straight collapses in September, and last year’s debacle, I’m not the only Mets fan on the brink of swearing off this team forever.  Drastic measures must be taken.

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More Crap

Mets vs. Cardinals

AP- The Mets, in search of an innings-eater to stabilize their rotation, are particularly intrigued by free-agent righthander Joel Pineiro, according to a team insider.

Unless they plan on bringing over Cardinals pitching coach Dave Duncan with him, I don’t want to hear another word about Joel Pineiro.  This guy has made a career of getting hurt and sucking donkey dick.  He had a DECENT year with St. Louis last season because Duncan makes journeymen pitchers like Jeff Suppan and Jeff Weaver look like Cy Young candidates.  If Omar thinks Pineiro is the answer to our pitching problems then he is dumber than I thought.  And I already thought he was borderline down syndrome.

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My New Haircut

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You know what this is? This is my new fucking haircut. You know what that means? I'm gettin' some fucking pussy tonight.

As a Mets fan, I’ve spent the past several months ostracized from the baseball community.  My team is a complete fucking joke, and with Omar still at the helm, next season isn’t looking much better.  But now that all the hoopla surrounding the most expensive World Series title in the history of baseball is dying down, I can’t keep quiet any longer.  This was the scene at last Friday’s ticker tape parade, where Johnny Damon and Nick Swisher did their best Ambiguously Gay Duo impression.  Do you think they shared a tanning bed the night before the big parade?  I have a sneaking suspicion that the inside of Swisher’s sunglasses frame reads “Gloria Vanderbilt Collection”.  As long as these toolbags are on the Yankees roster, I don’t want to hear another comment about Mike Piazza’s supposed homosexual orientation from the always “classy” Yankee fans.

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Mets Fans Rejoice

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Well, I could be wrong, but I believe a balk is an old, old wooden ship used during the Civil War era.

The Mets announced today that first base coach Luis Alicea will not return to the team next season.  The rest of the coaching staff will be retained.  Everyone knows that a major league baseball team will only go as far as their first base coach takes them, so I welcome this move by Omar and his minions.  Now if we can just get rid of that clubhouse cancer Matt the bat boy we should be able to contend for the pennant next year.

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Clip of the Day

 

I’m with Berman on this one.  As a life long Jets and Mets fan, the only thing that has kept me from strangling myself with a shoe lace is a steady diet of illegally obtained prescription meds and scotch.

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Streak of the Year

Naked fan who jumped onto Citi Field gets 1-year ban from stadium

NEW YORK — A streaker who disrupted a New York Mets game by jumping onto Citi Field naked except for a stuffed monkey tied around his waist has been banned from the ballpark for a year.
Prosecutors say Craig Coakley of Queens pleaded guilty Thursday to interfering with a sporting event. He must pay a $1,000 fine and $2,000 in civil penalties to the New York Mets. He also has to complete 20 days of community service by Dec. 15.
The 38-year-old plumber told police after streaking on May 12 that it was a bet. His boss told him he’d pay a week’s salary if he did it.

Ok, let’s face facts here Mets fans. A 38-year-old plumber from Queens led the only good streak to take place at the brand new Citi field in 2009. And in a twist of irony, the Mets choose to ban the most exciting person to step onto their billion dollar ball field for one full year. But as the NY Mets sit 18 games back in the NL East, I have a feeling that this Queens plumber was hoping for a much longer suspension.

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank the brave stuffed monkey for sacrificing himself and sparing the unsuspecting male fan from this potential vomit inducing experience. No one likes to see man meat flopping around on a baseball field. Well except for Alyssa Milano, of course.

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