Lane Kiffin Loves Prepubescent Boys

Lane Kiffin loves little boys bootyholes!

 David Sills, all of 13 years old, has verbally committed to USC. Sills is a quarterback out of Bear, Del., who has drawn raves for his talent at such a young age. 

“His skill set is off the chart,” his personal coach Steve Clarkson told ESPN. “I’ve never seen anyone at his age do what he’s been able to do.” Clarkson has mentored other top quarterbacks in the past, including current USC starter Matt Barkley. 

According to the ESPN, new USC coach Lane Kiffin received a verbal commitment from Sills on Thursday evening. “He’s already six feet as a 13-year-old,” Clarkson said. “And he’s breaking down NFL footage.”  

Is this really what the world is coming to??? College football programs are accepting verbal commitments from 13 year olds.  I don’t get it, when I was 13 I thought that I was going to play football for Florida State.  As the years went on, I decided to verbally commit to boobs, booze, and marijuana.  You watch the minute this kid smells the vagina, he’s done.  I thought that this National Signing Day for high school football players was too much.  What now a pee wee verbal commitment day!  I don’t care how good this kid is, the ages 13 to 18 are a lifetime and alot of crazy things can happen that could curtail him from even playing football anymore.  Fuck it, as of right now I am verbally committing to the Senior PGA Tour.  I figure I have 21 years before I qualify, but why not if this kid can verbally commit to USC at the age of 5 why can’t I verbally commit to the Senior PGA Tour.
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Faceplant Friday

If there’s one thing I love more than getting piss drunk at happy hour and leaving a flaming bag of poo on a neighbor’s doorstrep… well, actually there’s nothing I love more than leaving flaming bags of shit in random places.  But Faceplant Friday is a close second.

 

It’s a league game Smokey.

 

Even Jesus hates free runners.

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10 Greatest Superbowl Commercials of All Time

For a warm up to the Superbowl we are counting down the 10 greatest, or at least most watched Superbowl commercials of all time.  Today we wrap up our list with the top 4 commercials.

#4 Terry Tate: Office Linebacker

 

#3 Career Builder Monkeys

 

#2 Jackie Moon

 

#1 Jimmy Johnson’s Hair

 

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Super Bowl XLIV Preview

New Orleans Saints vs. Indianapolis Colts

Super Bowl XLIV   Venue: Sun Life Stadium

Sunday, February 7th  6:25 pm

Drew Brees and the New Orleans Saints (15-3) will take on Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts (16-2) in Super Bowl XLIV in Miami this Sunday.  It’s only fitting that the teams with the best regular season records in their respective conferences made it to the big dance.  For Peyton Manning, it will be a matchup against his hometown team, once led at QB by his father Archie Manning, as the Colts try for their second Super Bowl title in four years.  For the Saints, it’s been a long time coming as it will mark their first Super Bowl appearance in their team’s 43 year history.  This game has the potential to be one of the highest scoring Super Bowls we’ve ever seen, as both teams offenses operate like well-oiled machines, led by two of the best quarterbacks in the game.

Manning threw for 377 yards and 3 touchdowns against the NFL’s top-ranked defense in the AFC championship game, leading  the Colts to a 30-17 win over the Jets.  However, the Colts defensive leader, Dwight Freeney, suffered a torn ligament in his ankle in the second half of that game when he tripped over the foot of Jets QB Mark Sanchez.  The injury could keep him out for the Super Bowl and even if he’s able to play, it will undoubtedly limit his effectiveness in the game.  Raheem Brock is expected to see an increased role and will need to step up in order to fill Freeney’s shoes.  The Colts defense takes a big blow with the injury to Freeney, but they’re still a fast group of players who should match up relatively well with the Saints offensive weapons.

Brees also threw for 3 touchdowns in the Saints 31-28 victory over Minnesota to capture the NFC title.  He finished with 197 yards passing with no turnovers, while managing to get sacked just once against the NFL’s best pass rushing defense.  As he has done all year long, Brees spread the ball out to an array of receivers, eight in all and three different receivers on his touchdown throws.  The Saints defense intercepted Brett Favre twice in the game and forced 4 fumbles, recovering 3 of them.  They’re a team that makes their opponents pay for turning the ball over and this game was no different.  Their defense will need to be just as opportunistic against Manning and the Colts in the Super Bowl if they have any chance of winning.

BOTTOM LINE:

The Saints absolutely MUST get pressure on Peyton Manning if they’re to have any chance of being crowned as Super Bowl champs.  Seeing as Manning has only been sacked 10 times all season, I don’t see the Saints having much success, if any, getting to him and disrupting the rhythm of the Colts potent offense.  The Saints forced 39 turnovers during the regular season and 7 this postseason.  They will find it much harder this week to create turnovers up against one of the smartest players to ever play the quarterback position in the history of the league.   The Colts won’t run the ball much, but they rarely if ever abandon the run completely as it helps to keep the opposing defense honest.  Joseph Addai does have a nose for the end zone and he could find it once or twice in this game.  Of the two teams, the Saints have the better ground game, led by a resurgent Reggie Bush and their 2009 rushing leader, Pierre Thomas (793 yards).  In an effort to help out their defense, the Saints may focus on running the ball more than usual to control the clock and keeping Manning off the field.   But that won’t be enough, so the Saints must not get away from what got them here.  Brees needs to get the ball downfield to his talented group of receivers (Marques Colston, Robert Meachem and Devery Henderson) and execute the screens and misdirection plays to his backs (Bush and Thomas).  While the Saints certainly have an edge over Indy when they’re on offense, the Colts defense is fast and physical and more than capable of matching up with the Saints talented group on offense.   As good as these two offenses are, defense will ultimately decide the winner of this game and the Colts have the better defense.

The Colts also hold a significant edge when it comes to experience.  It’s their 2nd Super Bowl appearance in 4 years and they’ve made it to the playoffs every year dating back to 2002.  You can’t underestimate the edge that experience gives a team, especially when that team is led by Peyton Manning.  Drew Brees along with many of his teammates such as Pierre Thomas, Reggie Bush, Marques Colston and Jonathan Vilma have never experienced a Super Bowl.  While emotions will run high for these players to start the game, that intensity will fade as the game goes on and Manning will look to take advantage of that.  I like both these teams a lot, but with a high-powered offense, edge in experience and a more talented group on defense, I like the Colts to win Super Bowl XLIV.

PREDICTION:

Colts  34  Saints 20 (MVP: P.Manning)

**YMM Staff Predictions**

-KRM:  Colts 33  Saints 27 (MVP: P.Manning)

-Dubbs:  Saints 38  Colts 35 (MVP: R.Bush)

-Shamus O’Cabbage:  Colts 34  Saints 24 (MVP: K.Kardashian/Reggie Bush)

-Bobby O:  Saints 38 Colts 31 (MVP: D.Brees)

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And you thought the Cleveland Steamer was awesome

The Smokey the Bear- Sitting up in missionary, light her pubes on fire and extinguish the flames with your load.

The Tiger Woods- While having sex with your mistress, throw her legs over your shoulder and kindly reach under her ass. Feel around to make sure the greens are cut and then putt one of your balls into her asshole.

The Dr. Zoidberg- Take her extra roast beef into your mouth and proceed to exclaim, “Look at me! I’m Dr. Zoidberg!” as her meat slaps against your lips.

The Davy Jones- Same as above except with girls that were cursed with the double quarter-pounder vag.

The Walt Disney- When in a 69 with a 12 year old, spread her asshole and insert a mouse.

The Na’vi- When she goes down to give you head, grab her pony tail and proceed to tickle your asshole with it.

The Sarah Palin- Order a Russian bride. Make her stand on the other side of the room and see if you can hit her in the face with your man juice from your side of the bed.

The Bernie Madoff- Tell every chick you meet you have a 10 inch penis and proceed to disappoint them with your microscopic meat stick.

The Michael Vick- Invite two girls over and let them fight over which one gets to suck your dick.

The Snidely Whiplash- Place your mouth on her pussy, grab each side of her labia and twist like an evil mustache saying, “Yes…. Yes…. Yes…”

The Dale Earnhardt- Stand out in front of the bed. Run as fast as you can and then faceplant directly into her vaginal walls.

The Bear Grylls- Have her place her hands on each side of your dick and start rubbing them together until your balls catch on fire. Then she administers a golden shower survival demonstration to put it out.

The George W Bush- Get her naked and wet by telling her what you are going to do to her. Say “Mission accomplished!” and leave.

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Yet another Mets embarrassment

There are few certainty’s in life.  One of those certainties is that every christmas my mother will get me some sort of sports themed 365 day fact calander.  This is one of those little things about Christmas that I really enjoy, because I know that for the next 365 days I am going to find out things about my favorite teams and sports that I never would have known otherwise.  Luckily for me I’m a Yankee fan because if I was not I would have surely got the NY Mets version of this classic gift.  Check out the Mets fun fact for today:

Are they fucking kidding me?  Do they really think that Mets fans want to get to their office and see this shit first thing in the morning?  It really is sad that there is no escape for these poor fans.  Here I was thinking upper management was just dumb, now it seems even the people running the calendar department are partially retarded as well.

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Bid on Barry

For any Barry Sanders fans out there, you can now bid on eBay to have him come over your house and watch the Super Bowl with you.  Just don’t be surprised if he leaves early, Barry kind of has a history of that.

Click the link to bid on Barry.

http://stores.ebay.com/Auction-Cause/Miller-Lite.html

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10 greatest Superbowl Commercials of all time..

#6 Godaddy.com

#5 Budweiser Yoga Class

For a warm up to the Superbowl we are counting down the 10 greatest, or at least, most watched Superbowl commercials of all time.

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10 most bizarre sex toys of all time

1. Realistic Japanese Sex Dolls

Thousands of men in Japan are shelling out $6,500 a pop to bang out these plastic dolls…I get it

2. Artificial Hymen

This is for the psycho bitch who thinks that being a virgin means something.  I mean I guess maybe in India this could be relevant but other than that I would not be pleased with this one…

3. Obama Dildo

For all the ladies out there who like Obama now you can shove his face in your chocha anytime you want.  God Bless America!

4. Hooded Spandex full body binder sack

Now you can keep your very own gimp chained to a wall in your basement……

5. Eco -Friendly Vibrators

If you want to reduce your carbon footprint you can take a step in the right direction by going greeen with the solar powered dildo.  I’m just afraid that your neighbors are going to wonder about you when they see a solar power dildo charging in your kitchen window….

6. Real Touch

Say what you want about the real touch but I’m a fan. For $150 dollars the good people at lantek are offering the electronic device that simulates the sexual experience to a T, or at least that is there claim.  Lantek also vows to come out with more realistic versions in the future, I wonder if this means they’ll have a model that constantly nags you…….

7. Cup of Nude

Finally a cup of soup you can stick your dick in without suffering 3rd degree burns.

8. Hello Kitty Vibrator

Due to current restrictions which do not allow me to be within 50 feet of a school or playground I am going to pass on commenting on this one.

9. Hizamakura’s Lap Pillow

This is one of the only products here that you cannot have sex with, which makes me lose interest pretty fast.

10. Gold Plated Dildo

When you’re young you can start off with something simple like the Hello Kitty Dildo.  But when you get older and start making some cash you may want something a little fancier, thus the gold plated dildo.  They originally tried diamonds but after multiple test subjects bled to death they decided gold would have to do.

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Spirit Airlines has a sense of humor

I have always wanted to go deep muff diving for only $9.  Fantastic.

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YMM Fantasy Baseball Preview: Third Basemen

 

Now that 2010 is here, the fantasy baseball season is right around the corner.  Your Mother’s Mustache will be previewing each position in preparation for your draft day.  All rankings are based on a points system which values overall player productivity, or OPS (On-base Plus Slugging).  Because if you’re still playing in a roto league, you probably also have a “Members Only” jacket hanging in your closet.

1. Alex Rodriguez (NYY)-Once again, Arod led the league in gay photo shoots.  But he also returned from hip surgery in early May to hit 30 homers and drive in 100 runs.  At the age of 34, the 50 home run, 150 RBI seasons are a thing of the past.  But Arod still has the talent and supporting cast to put up the best numbers at the position.

2. Pablo Sandoval (SF)-Kung Fu Panda followed up his 2008 late season debut by batting .330 and slugging .555 over the course of a full season, both of which were tops at the position.  At the age of 23, Sandoval has plenty of room for improvement.  He’s very similar to a young Vlad Guerrero, as he can hit almost any pitch thrown to him and will take very few walks as a result.  But as he matures, he’ll learn to lay off of the garbage pitches and take more walks.  The end result will be a MVP candidate who contends for a batting title every year.

3. Evan Longoria (TB)-Longoria shot out of the gate to start the 2009 season, and after the first two months was on pace for 40 homeruns and 170 RBIs.  That hot start quickly fizzled though, and he struggled through much of the summer.  His final line was still worthy of a second round pick in your draft, but he’ll need to find some more consistency before he’ll be considered elite.  At the age of 24, he still has plenty of time.

4. David Wright (NYM)-While Longoria had a rough second half, David Wright had a rough season.  After being selected with a top 5 pick in most drafts, Wright disappointed fantasy owners with his worst season as a pro, barely mustering double digit homeruns and striking out at an alarming rate.  Whether you want to blame the meddling Howard Johnson for changing his swing, or spacious Citi Field for swallowing homerun shots to deep right center, Wright will need to prove that he can rebound from last season before he should be considered in the first few rounds on draft day again.

5. Ryan Zimmerman (WAS)-It seems like Zimmerman has been around forever.  But at the age of 25 he is just beginning to enter his prime, and if last season is any indication, he’s about to become a perenial all star for the Nationals.  He finally displayed some of the power he showed in the minors, slugging over .500 for the first time in his career.  While Washington’s lineup may not strike fear in the heart of any pitcher, batting in front of Adam Dunn should give Zimmerman plenty of fastballs to hit.  Consider him in the first 6 rounds on draft day.

6. Gordon Beckham (CHW)- While Beckham will open the season as the White Sox starting second baseman, he will retain his eligibility at third base in most leagues, only adding to his value.  A first round pick in 2008, Beckham almost made the big league team out of spring training, and if it wasn’t for his mildly retarded manager he would already have a full season of experience under his belt.  His lack of experience will make him affordable on draft day, but don’t let the opportunity to select him pass you by.  This will be the last year that drafting the next Chase Utley won’t cost you a second or third round pick.

7. Aramis Ramirez (CHC)-Ramirez has never been a picture of health, but he missed significant time last season with a shoulder injury and only appeared in 82 games.  When he actually did play, he put up his usual .300 batting average and .500 slugging percentage.  A 32 year old with a laundry list of injuries can’t be relied upon to play a full season, but if he does manage to appear in 140-150 games, Ramirez can be a mid to late round steal in your draft.

8. Mark Reynolds (ARI)- Reynolds may have hit 44 homers and driven in 102 runs last year, but he also struck out 223 times.  You may not care about that last stat if you play in a rotisserie league, but for those of us living in the 21st century it’s a major deterrent.  It’s also tough to get too excited about those 24 stolen bases because Reynolds never stole more than 11 in any season, including the minors.  His dual eligibility at first base makes him slightly more valuable, but he still isn’t worth the mid round pick most owners will waste on him.

9. Michael Young (TEX)-Young’s first season as the Rangers third baseman was a huge success, and the move from shortstop allowed him to bulk up more than in season’s past.  The result was a power surge that saw him hit more than 20 homeruns for the first time since 2005.  Young will turn 33 this year, which is typically the beginning of the end for most big leaguers, but even if he can’t match his power numbers from last year he’ll still provide a strong average and plenty of runs atop the Rangers lineup.

10. Chone Figgins (SEA)- Call me a cynic, but I have a hard time buying into an injury plagued 32 year old third basemen who put up career numbers during his contract year.  Figgins will certainly benefit from hitting behind Ichiro in the Mariners lineup, and he should see a slight boost in his RBIs as a result, but you may be better off rolling the dice on a young up-and-comer such as Ian Stewart at third base.  There’s only one way Figgins can go from here.

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If you want to get dumped this Valentines day get her this

How these bullshit ideas make it to the market when Dubbs’ memory foam toilet seat is still on the back burner blows my fucking mind…….

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Maybe Soccer ain’t so bad after all

If soccer is enough to get this hot Mexican broad excited, then maybe I should take a 2nd look…. Yup, still sucks.

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Tiger could be back in two weeks

Superstar Tiger Woods is poised to make a stunning comeback to competitive golf in just two weeks at the Accenture Match Play Championship in Arizona.

Only two weeks after checking himself into a sex addiction clinic in Mississippi, Woods is reportedly set to return to the Dove Mountain course where he made his comeback from knee surgery last year, according to the Herald Sun of Melbourne.

Woods has won the Accenture Match Play Championship three times. His last victory came in 2008.

Accenture was among the first sponsors to cut Woods when it was revealed in November that he had been cheating on his wife with a series of women.

The shocking revelations came after he crashed his car outside his Florida home.

The final round of the tournament, which starts on Feb. 15, will be televised by CBS in what would be a ratings bonanza for the network would Woods be playing.

A PGA spokesman did not immediately return a call seeking comment.

I guess this is kind of shocking seeing as a few weeks ago it seemed like Tiger might be out for a lot longer than this.  I for one will be glad to see Tiger come back.  I heard last week that he and his wife Elin are staying together, which is a good thing, so maybe now he’s trying to get things back to normal.  The funny shit about this is that one year from today you will not even think of this.  Tiger will once again be on top of the world and all the biggest sponsors in the golf world will be lining (back) up to suck his dick.  Good for Tiger!


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Fun with Slow Motion

Thank You Lucy Pinder

I love Science……

Everybody loves tits, this we already know.  I don’t care if you are a man, woman, child, dog, cat, whatever, the love of breasts seems to transcend the lines of gender and species, and for good reason.  We also know that most people love slow motion, maybe not as much as tits, but slo-mo just always makes things look cooler.  So naturally here at ymm.com our science department thought it would be a good idea to combine the two.  The results….outstanding.

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